I went into major crisis mode this past weekend. I recall that I was looking out my window, probably Friday, and seeing how the weeds and grass have already started growing all over the place around my house, and I just started feeling really, really, majorly depressed about it. Yet again, it’s time to deal with all of that hassle, and I don’t know when or if the yard guy is going to come, and at this point, I’m not even sure if I care. I’m just sick of it all.
It was back in 2007 when I bought this house. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do since I wasn’t sure how to justify throwing money away on rent each month when I could put it towards something I own. I figured I’d learn to do the yard stuff and that it might be fun fixing stuff up around the house. Unfortunately, I ended up hating both, and being a homeowner has just been making me more and more miserable each year. I’m already stressed out about other things to the point where it makes me literally sick, and the house just makes it all the worse because I feel shackled and enslaved to it. I loathe being a homeowner. I don’t like to do anything out in the yard, and never get to do any of the fun, planting stuff anyway because the time I do spend out there is dedicated to continuously battling weeds, or having my skin breaking out in hives from touching the grass.
I don’t want to fix up anything, nor do I want to be responsible for it when it inevitably breaks. It’s become such a heavy burden on me that I began to question whether the financial advantage (if there really is one) was really worth the pure and utter misery of owning a house.
Not to say there aren’t any advantages at all. I do like the relative quiet and the privacy, and, er…yep, that’s about it. I don’t think there’s really anything else.
Yes, it’s a small house by most people’s standards (around here) but it’s far too big for me. In the back of my mind, I’ve always had this nagging suspicion that buying a house was a mistake, that it would be too much for me to manage. I’d originally attributed those thoughts to possible buyer’s remorse that every home buyer supposedly goes through, but after 5 years, I don’t think that’s the case. I even resent having a second bathroom to clean when I’m really only using one. I like small, minimal places.
I’ve tried to like the house and enjoy being a homeowner, but I just don’t. I don’t like the feeling of being trapped by a house, by the fact that I can’t just pick up and move whenever and wherever I want at any time without dealing with the hassles of selling it.
So I’ve pretty much come to a decision.
I’m going to spend the next few days or weeks, however long it takes, to completely declutter everything to a bare minimum. I’m not much of a packrat at least, but the less I have to deal with, the better. If I don’t need it, use it, or love it (and I mean really *love* it), then out it goes. I am literally going to be brutal because I don’t want any “stuff” holding me back and chaining me down to this place…or any place for that matter. Then I’ll spend time fixing up whatever needs to be fixed and/or paying someone to do it depending on the difficulty and my non-skills in this area, and then…
And then if I’m still feeling the way I’m now feeling, and I have every expectation that I will still feel this way, I will put the house up for sale and move back into an apartment once it’s sold. For me, the American dream of homeownership is more like an American nightmare. I don’t want a house and “stuff” holding me back from whatever I may be called to do.
Special thanks to Colin-47 for the use of Chained under the Creative Commons license.
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